Photos taken using an old film camera by FUJI in collaboration with Tate Yoko.

First photo: Sunrise outside my room.  Second photo: MOA's big ass ferris wheel.
Thank you Janna for scanning these photos.

Let me list down the times when you would randomly show up in my mind. Know that, and let me tell you this straightly, you have become more elusive from the first time you did.

First. 

There are nights when I would drown myself in some kind of sadness after watching a sad movie, and trace the linings of my collarbones reaching the surface of my anatomical heart. The skin my heart lives in, that I am itching to wound with the words "You are here," makes me think that it is also where my thoughts of you grow fondly.

Second. 

Sometimes I choose to wander along the streets alone, rather than ride a taxi and be dropped somewhere specific. Walking with no particular direction, just a little bit of determination of finding something amazing along the way to nothingness. Often times when I do this, I think to myself, "Oh, I love how I could just wander around without thinking of someone who waits for me at the end of the day." 

Though I am wishing, secretly, that you were somewhere waiting for me as I also wish I was on my way to you.

Third.

Weekdays are for work, while I leave my precious 24 hour long Sunday all to myself. At the end of my long work week, I lock myself in my room with a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine. Right before the bottle of wine becomes half empty, or half full, I think of leaving it alone. I leave it as it is, half empty or half full, and then your stillness comes into my musings. I leave it as it is, half empty or half full, and wait for you to show up somewhere near the door while letting yourself glow with the gleaming afternoon sun.

But I end up getting silently and hopelessly drunk, inside my room because I drank everything little by little while letting the reality sink; of you not being where I wish you would be.

Fourth. And maybe the last.

When I write, I choose to write in the evening. My mind becomes crazier every time I decide to write in the morning. I write about my feelings too and it becomes obvious because it gets emotional every time. As I let myself be in the form of words I don't necessarily understand, I let myself become a pathway to you.

I let my words become you too. Like some unity with you, that I have been longing to feel from the day I decide to let my words be you when they should have been me.